If your wife or husband is a fellow cultivator, that is because your merit and blessings have ripened the wholesome karmic conditions for your cultivation. The resistance to your cultivation will then be much less, but most laypeople who cultivate encounter opposition and obstruction from their families. This requires that we not be too attached to outward forms in our practice. We must start from the arising and movement of our own thoughts and learn to be tolerant and understanding toward our family members. Because we are just beginning to cultivate, our habitual tendencies are still heavy, and being attached to cultivation itself, we are bound to damage the interests of the family. For example, your husband or wife will end up giving a great deal for the family and the children because of your cultivation. No matter how high-sounding our reasons may be, the way we behave is also extremely selfish. So you absolutely must learn to endure the criticism of the people around you and, without letting it affect your cultivation, give even more of your love to care for the other person and the people around you. Don’t be afraid that people who don’t cultivate will think you are trying to make amends for your faults; let them have that psychological balance. In fact, in the very process of doing these things, you are also accumulating merit and cultivating and realizing the Dharma.
For example, in my cultivation a few years ago, I encountered resistance from my husband and his family. My master told me two things: (1) When others blame you, uphold the precept of patience and forbearance; don’t argue about who is right or wrong, but regard it as something you should bear. (2) You should love others without resentment or regret. I benefited greatly from this. In fact, none of us has ever loved a single person without resentment or regret. When I tried the second point, I discovered how much resentment I had toward my husband—resentment that he didn’t understand me, that he came home late, that he didn’t care about me, that he spoke inappropriately, that he didn’t have much time for me, that he had fallen for someone else, and so on. There were so many things I had blamed him for. From then on, no matter what my husband did, I only watched quietly from the side; whenever a thought of resentment arose in my mind, I remembered that I had told my master I would never blame him for anything. At first, by not blaming him, I appeared calm on the surface, but inside it was as painful as being nailed to a cross, unable to pour it out. But I always kept in mind my master’s words: no resentment, no regret.
As time went on, I discovered that as long as I didn’t blame the other person, I had no regrets about my choices. These four words are wonderful! From not resenting my husband, I began to feel no resentment toward everyone around me, and my heart became more and more open and magnanimous. I moved from endurance to tolerance. Then one day, my husband suddenly became flawless in my eyes, and everyone around me began to seem perfect too—they all appeared so lovable to me; they were all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. In that instant, I experienced the feeling of universal love. That love filled my heart and did not diminish in the least toward anyone; it simply expressed itself in different ways toward my husband, children, parents, and friends. That love was so perfect and eternal. It is a quality—it neither increases nor decreases, neither defiles nor purifies. In that instant my heart became complete, and I finally enjoyed a love that endures forever. That love comes from our own selves, and it can bring us the greatest and ultimate satisfaction. My master told me that the universal love you have experienced is precisely Great Loving-Kindness and Great Compassion. This is the original and ultimate quality of every person. The endless desires of all sentient beings are only a search for this love, only a longing for this love! And only this love can completely satisfy all sentient beings.