Struggling

As long as you remain on this path, keep reflecting and cultivating. Whether you are reading or practicing sitting meditation, you keep having doubts, keep failing to understand what you are doing, and keep struggling with it over and over.

In fact, our whole life is spent struggling. Keep struggling like this, and one day you will struggle yourself awake—it is that simple. After you awaken, all the things you struggled with, all the Dharma doors you cultivated—everything—was just struggling in a dream.

There is nothing special about it; you do not know at what point you awaken. Sometimes you may suddenly struggle until you are tired, and then awaken. You cannot possibly know whether you awakened from that Dharma door. You were only experiencing things in a dream; some kinds of struggle make it easier to struggle awake, while some kinds of struggle do not wake you up.

Keep struggling. As long as you are on the Buddha path—as long as you believe you are on the Buddha path—keep reflecting and struggling, little by little. One day you will awaken.

But sometimes, when we go out and are struggling out there, we stop caring about anything and indulge ourselves again: “Why should I care? Who are they? They are much worse than I am; I am bad too.” Then we let ourselves go all the way, indulge our desires, and simply go with the flow. We no longer reflect or maintain awareness.

That is what it means to become stained again. Defilement begins to accumulate again, and gradually you have a whole mass of habitual tendencies and desires—this, this, and this. Then one day you awaken again, come back to cultivate and cleanse yourself again. That is how it is. After you attain realization, you will feel that even that period in worldly life was cultivation; it was only your own making of distinctions.

Actually, everything is fine. You have remained quite clear. You only need to settle down and sit quietly there; that is OK. You are quite clear, not confused, and know everything. How could you be old?

Actually, this is clinging to appearances. What we are dissatisfied with is that we always want others to recognize what we are like; we want ourselves to recognize it too. Even if we do not need others to recognize us, at the very least we want to give ourselves a verdict: What should I be like? What do I have to be like to look like a Buddha?

You are always clinging to the appearance of a Buddha, the appearance of sentient beings, and the appearance of the self. In fact, this is how everyone cultivates: “I myself do not think I have realized Buddhahood, but if I think I have realized Buddhahood, does that mean I have realized Buddhahood?” You keep struggling right here. Or someone says, “You have realized Buddhahood,” and because they say so, you believe it. That is how you keep struggling.

You cling to appearances because your mind is filled with the appearance of a Buddha, the appearance of sentient beings, the appearance of ordinary people, and the appearances of defilement and purity. These appearances fill your mind and influence you. It is not a matter of what makes someone a Buddha; returning to the middle is being a Buddha. It is not that doing this or that makes you a Buddha. If you explain clearly that Form and emptiness are not two, you are a Buddha. But you keep circling around and around right here; everything circling is an appearance. You return to the middle, and that is it.

So breaking through all appearances means letting yourself return to that position. Once you sit in that position, whatever you say is fine; if you cannot sit in that position, everything else is just circling and is useless. Not speaking is clinging to appearances; speaking is still clinging to appearances. Purity is clinging to appearances; defilement is clinging to appearances. Goodness is clinging to appearances; evil is clinging to appearances. That is how it is: all of it is appearances.

Whichever appearance you enter through can be a way to realize and enter true reality; every appearance is also a manifestation of emptiness, and any appearance can serve as such an entry. It is all turning, moving constantly, moving… This is consciousness—it moves intensely, and our body and mind are moving.

We cannot see clearly and think that we have settled down and stopped moving. In fact, sometimes you are still moving while sitting in meditation. You think you have entered samadhi, but you are still moving; you have simply become settled in relation to your scattered state. In fact, you are always moving intensely within the Dharma Realm.

The main problem is that you do not know what a Buddha is. This is a dialogue between Buddha and Buddha. The problem is that we do not know what a Buddha is like now. You say a Buddha is neither this nor that, but what is a Buddha like, then? So you have to return to that position.

When you return to that position, all you need to do is sit in one position, and whatever you manifest is what the Buddha is like. Whatever you are like, that is what the Buddha is like. If you become a stone, the Buddha is a stone. If you become a man, the Buddha is a man. If you become a woman, the Buddha is a woman. It is because you cannot return to that position that the Buddha is not a particular appearance and has no appearance.

That is why he says the Buddha is formless and without appearance. Do not take the Buddha to be a particular appearance. When you return to that state of emptiness, whatever you think he is like, whatever you think he should be like, that is what he is like—is he everything in the Dharma Realm? In the end, every question brings you back to the source, the origin—to the innermost core of life.

Let me give an example. Suppose we are a point in the middle, with things winding around outside it, like atoms and electrons, one circle winding around another. If you remain on the outer layer, you keep thinking that what is revolving and what is in samsara is you. Then you realize and enter one more layer, and think that this is you. In fact, all of these are appearances. Finally, you return to the point at the very center, and only then do you know that everything revolving outside is an empty appearance, all an illusion.

It was all you from the beginning, because everything at the innermost level is you. It is only divided into electrons, atoms, nuclei, cores, and so on. In fact, the whole thing is you; you have to return to the innermost place. This is breaking through every appearance. You have to stop being pulled along—stop being pulled along—and then you can return. If you are pulled along layer after layer, how could you return?

If we are pulled along by physiological desires, we cannot escape the animal realm. You may always return to the animal realm; in some life, you may cycle into the animal realm because of those primal instincts pulling you along. Or, if your nature of mind is such that you are hot-tempered and consumed by jealousy and hatred, one day you will certainly reach the realm of heavenly demons. If you cling to wholesome Dharma, one day you will certainly cycle through samsara; if you do not attain liberation, you will cycle into the realm of the gods. This explanation of clinging to appearances is also quite abstract.

Let us talk about dressing ourselves up. If you think you have a body, that is the view of the body. You think there is a body here, but the Buddha says that this body is made up of the Four Elements, all empty: the bones and muscles of the body belong to the earth element; the blood and such are like a river and belong to the water element; your breathing and warm breath belong to the wind element, just like the wind outside.

In other words, earth, water, fire, and wind. Your warmth—what you feel as hot or cold, sour or numb, cold or swollen—belongs to the fire element. These are the Four Elements; the Four Elements Are Empty. Once you have assigned everything to the Four Elements, what is left of you? You think there is a body here, but it is simply earth, water, fire, wind, and emptiness, made up of these things. Sit there and think about it; separate them, assigning water to the water element, and there is no self here, no body here.

Is your body ultimately the earth element or the wind element? If it is earth, wind, and fire—the Four Elements—then everything in the universe is you, and everything is made of the Four Elements. The other person has the Four Elements too, so that person is you as well, right? Everything is made of the Four Elements. He explains it this simply to help you break through your greed for the body.

(I no longer cling to other people’s good, bad, defiled, or pure, but I still make distinctions about my own good, bad, defiled, and pure.)

You think that to realize Buddhahood or attain realization, you need to remove defilement and become pure. But you also know that defilement and purity are both forms of your attachment; they are like illusory appearances, impossible to grasp. All you need is awareness—awareness, and then cultivation and realization.

Whether you are good or bad is not for you to decide; there is a you in each person’s eyes. So, your struggling is useless; it is best to settle down and sit there. If your mind keeps struggling, and thoughts like this and that keep arising in it, let them arise. Let them do what they do; at least you know they are arising chaotically.

Every day, just sit here. Drink water when it is time to drink water, drink tea when it is time to drink tea, practice sitting meditation when it is time to do so, and do whatever it is time to do. The rest is not a problem; the rest of the struggling is not a problem. Just do these things: eat, sleep, clean, sit in meditation, read. The things that arise after that have nothing to do with you. That is OK; you are clean.

What remains does not count as yours; count it as someone else’s. The things you do are yours, while the thoughts that arise in your mind belong to someone else. Separate them like this for now. This part is yours; just do these things well.

Look for that Buddha, searching from the inside outward. Because you care so much about A-Qing, can’t you regard her as someone outside you—as a sentient being? Yes, this Buddha is more tangible; I think it is quite good to advise her this way. It is not a joke. That is how it is.

First, advise her. Second, let the one inside speak with her: the Buddha inside you says, “Why are you doing this? What exactly can you gain? Do you know what consequences this will have?” Ask these questions, repeatedly, every day. No problem—that is how you cultivate. That is enough.

But with many people, especially those who have never cultivated, do not sit there and make everyone think something has happened to you: “What is going on? Why is someone sitting there alone every day?” You can do it, but you should not cling to appearances either. If she gets up in the middle of the night and talks to herself, do not cling to appearances. This is not investigating a meditation phrase… OK, the inside and outside become one; the advice accords with her thoughts, and they become one. That is good. Cultivate this way. Very good—everyone really is working hard.

Actually, there is nothing special about it to begin with. Why cultivate this way? What is there? The main thing is that we may be too eager to realize Buddhahood, and we admire the Buddha too much. We think the Buddha is truly good, truly exalted, truly…

But we forget that everyone in this world is a Buddha, and how ordinary a Buddha is. If you are too eager, you will become tightly wound and start struggling.

You can begin this way, but one day you will feel that Buddha-nature is such an ordinary presence: it is present in soil, in sand, on the table, in dust and grime, in the toilet, and in this meditation hall. Buddha-nature is everywhere.

Then the Buddha shines every day, manifesting before us. Every person is a language of wisdom; every experience that touches you is wisdom, and every such experience helps you awaken. Everything in this world is Buddha-nature; the Buddha is manifesting.

At that point, you will be at ease, because you can see the Buddha wherever you are—the Buddha is everywhere. You do not need to run to a temple, go to the Land of Ultimate Bliss, or go anywhere at all. You can see the Buddha every day.

This is the process of cultivation and realization. You are still too eager to become something; you are still too eager to say, “I want to…” You think, “I want perfection,” but at the very least you are craving a kind of perfection. This perfection really is a beautiful thing. You are still distinguishing what is a Bodhisattva and what is… Perhaps some Bodhisattvas come precisely to do bad things. Would you then say they are not Bodhisattvas?

You cannot make these distinctions; you are still clinging to appearances, so do not do this. Sometimes your mind struggles, struggles, struggles. Sometimes you want to become better, to become what you regard as a better version of yourself; or you want others to approve of you; or you want something else. You are still uneasy, uneasy right here.

If everyone in the world said that A-Qing was a Buddha, would you feel more at ease? Or something like that? Do you want to be certified, or something? You have to reflect on those hidden desires inside until you can uproot them completely. In other words, do I really want…? I want to realize Buddhahood—what do I want to gain? What do I want to obtain by realizing Buddhahood? And even…

Because our desires are everywhere. Once we begin cultivating, while our habitual tendencies and desires have not run their course, they seep through the whole process of cultivation. On the surface, it may look as though you are doing a very noble thing—even the whole of cultivation may look that way—but all kinds of desires are mixed in. You may even think that after realizing Buddhahood, you want to become a Bodhisattva; even after realizing Buddhahood, you still want… Without noticing it, you hope others will repay you, or, without even saying it, perhaps I…

Didn’t I also write about this in The Mind of the Dharma Realm? I no longer seek repayment; I still want others to understand me—to understand that I am acting for their good, not for their… Because you do something good and people scold you; you want what is good for them, and people scold you.

“I want to go play.” It is like BB: someone wants to play a game, and you control them. Wouldn’t that make them…? They would surely feel uncomfortable inside: “I want to…” At the very least, understand the parents: they want what is good for you; they are not harming you, and they are not unwilling to give you money, and so on.

It is the same when you save sentient beings. They cannot understand. You want to make them better, and they may think, “You simply want to make me transcend the mundane world; there is something wrong with you.” And so on. You no longer seek repayment, but you still hope to be understood. When you expect to be understood, the self is still there. You have a self, and so you expect others to understand you; that self is still not exhausted.

Throughout the whole process, you will feel that this self is always there. And you will keep reflecting: What exactly are you attaining enlightenment for? Reflect on it every moment. You are desperately giving up everything in this world—do you really understand the Buddha?

If you keep giving up marriage, family, time, energy, and everything else in this world, desperately pursuing that Buddha Fruition, apart from not coveting what is within your faculties and capacity, what do you really want that Buddha Fruition for?

Does that Buddha Fruition strengthen your desire for fame and gain? Do you want that Buddha Fruition because it can make you the focus of everyone’s attention, or something like that? You become a Buddha, or something? Do you want to become a Buddha and be in charge? And so on. Your greed, hatred, delusion, arrogance, and doubt are all in there. What do you want?

Of course, you still have to carry out this process. But when you reach the end of the whole process and turn back, you will suddenly discover that when all your desires and habitual tendencies have run out, you must be able to see the Buddha even in dust and grime. You really have to see Buddha-nature even in the excrement outside. At that point you will know that the Buddha is nothing in particular and is everywhere. Only then will you know that the Buddha is neither the highest nor the lowest. Without all these things, you will break through every appearance and know what realizing Buddhahood really is.

Realizing Buddhahood is not about becoming someone admired by everyone, nor about becoming a Buddha and being in charge; it is about attaining freedom. In particular, when we possess great wealth and status in this world, it is difficult to make the initial resolve. When we possess fame, gain, and money, we feel that money and power can already buy us everything. We feel free already because we are not suffering, so when we realize Buddhahood, it is even harder to let go of this desire for fame and gain from within.

If someone is suffering badly, they only want to escape suffering; once they are free of suffering, they are already happy. Because you are not suffering, even your realization of Buddhahood is permeated by many things, many desires, some of which you cannot see clearly. Those desires become a continual struggle and continual attachment in the process of cultivating the Buddha-Dharma.

And sometimes you make yourself tightly wound. When others clash with you or do not acknowledge you, you become uneasy and agitated, because the ultimate thing you want is that—your purpose in realizing Buddhahood is that invisible thing called vanity. You want vanity.

But those things of vanity are always there, everywhere. You want that vanity, and it remains there while you cultivate and realize, before you have realized Buddhahood. So when others say you are not a Buddha, or when you yourself think you are not one, you become very uneasy and uncomfortable.

You may not even give yourself any leeway or show yourself any tolerance: “How could I possibly not be one? Why are they Buddhas but I am not? How could I fail to do it?” That is the way it is. This is awareness and Awakening. It is quite good; cultivate this way.

Note: This text was prepared from a teaching video by Yang Ning. If it differs from the video, the video takes precedence. Watch the video.