Opening the Heart to Resolve Family Conflicts
If you have a spouse who is a fellow practitioner, that is because your merit and blessings have allowed your positive karmic connections to ripen. In that case, the resistance to your practice will be much smaller. However, most lay practitioners face opposition and obstruction from their family members. This requires us not to be overly attached to the formal aspects of our practice. We must start with our own arising thoughts, and learn to be accommodating and understanding toward our family. Because when we first begin our practice, our habitual tendencies are still very heavy; if we are also rigidly attached to our practice, it will inevitably come at the expense of the family’s interests. For example, your husband or wife might have to sacrifice and take on much more for the household and the children because of your practice. No matter how high-sounding our excuses may be, our behavior is actually extremely selfish. Therefore, you must learn to endure the criticisms from those around you. Without compromising your practice, you must double your love and care for your partner and the people around you. Do not be afraid that non-practitioners will think you are just trying to “make amends”—let them have that psychological balance. In truth, while doing all this, you are accumulating merit, and you are actively cultivating and realizing the Buddha Dharma.
For example, in my early years of practice, I faced resistance from my husband and his family. My teacher told me two things: (1) When others blame you, you must uphold the precept of patience. Do not argue about who is right or wrong; just accept that this is something you ought to bear. (2) You must love others without resentment and without regret. I benefited immensely from this. In truth, we have never loved a single person completely without resentment and without regret. When I tried to practice the second point, I realized I actually harbored so much resentment toward my husband: resenting him for not understanding me, resenting him for coming home late, resenting him for not caring about me, resenting him for saying inappropriate things, resenting him for not spending enough time with me, resenting him for shifting his affections, and so on… It turned out I had complained about him in far too many ways. From then on, no matter what my husband did, I would just observe quietly. The moment a thought of resentment arose in my heart, I would remember the promise I made to my teacher: to absolutely never resent him for anything he does. In the beginning, when I held back my complaints, I looked calm on the surface, but inside it felt as agonizing as being nailed to a cross, unable to release the pain. Yet, I constantly kept my teacher’s words in mind: no resentment, no regret.
As time went by, I discovered that as long as I held no resentment toward him, I would feel no regret about my own choices. These four words—”no resentment, no regret”—are absolutely amazing! From holding no resentment toward my husband, I began to hold no resentment toward anyone around me, and my heart became increasingly broad. I transformed from merely enduring to genuinely accepting. Finally, one day, my husband suddenly became completely flawless in my eyes, and everyone around me started to become perfect, too. In my eyes, they were all so lovable; they were all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. In an instant, I experienced the feeling of universal love. That love filled my heart to the brim. It did not diminish by a single drop for anyone; it simply expressed itself in different ways toward my husband, my children, my parents, and my friends. That love is so perfect and eternal. It is an intrinsic quality—it neither increases nor decreases, is neither defiled nor pure. That momentary perfection of the heart finally allowed me to experience a love that lasts as long as heaven and earth. That love comes from within ourselves, and it can bring us the greatest, ultimate satisfaction. My teacher told me, “You have experienced universal love, which is Great Compassion. This is the initial and ultimate quality of every person. The endless desires of sentient beings are merely a search for this love; they are simply yearning for this love!” And only this love can completely satisfy sentient beings.